Justice? An AtS Season Five Parody
by foggi
Summary: Yeah, Joss made me mad and I'm back. SPOILER ALERT!!!
1. Part One

Justice My Ass: An Angel Season Five Parody  
  
Author: Foggi (L@spookysand.com)  
  
Disclaimer: I am not Joss. Or anyone else who works on "the other show," therefore do not blame me.   
  
Rating: PG  
  
SPOILER ALERT: For anything coming up in the new season, all of this is based on spoilers, not actual episodes…those will be worse than this.  
  
BIAS ALERT: I love Spike. Those of you who don't love him will probably be made fun of in this parody. Read at your own risk.  
  
Teaser!!!  
  
We open in a large office filled with several WB execs and Joss Whedon.  
  
WB EXEC: Well, Mr. Whedon, we don't' really like your show or you but if you bring the sexy vampire over to us we'll let you go for one more year. Just make sure you keep those nutty little Spike fans happy.  
  
JOSS: Yes, sir!  
  
We now shift to Joss' office, where he slaves away to come up with the arc for the year. While doing this, he balances a cup of pencils on his head.   
  
JOSS: Hmm, I only have one show left. I better not screw this up!   
  
Joss thinks for a moment about how to turn Angel: the Series into the most successful show on television.   
  
JOSS: Oh! I know! I'll drive the fan base insane again, jerk them around with insane storylines all year, and make them constantly worried about what I'll do to their favorite character next!!! Hmm…now who is the most popular person on the show? Ah, yes, Spike! This is brilliant…the fans are right, I AM god!!!  
  
Enter David Fury  
  
JOSS: David! I have just the episode for you!   
  
DAVID: Oh really? What's that?  
  
JOSS: The "Spike Returns" episode!!! I've decided that the way to save the show is to torture the Spike fans some more!   
  
DAVID: You know, Spike fans are really evil…maybe we could do an episode of Spike KILLING one of his own fans…that would drive them all crazy!  
  
JOSS: Sure, whatever you want! But first, we need to think of a way to bring him back.   
  
Enter Drew Goddard  
  
ULTIMATE DREW: Hey, I couldn't help but overhearing the Spike talk, and I thought I'd put in my two cents since I'm the only writer who gives a damn about continuity. I was thinking, Spike fits the exact criteria for shanshu-ing! I mean, you must have known what you were doing when you were writing it…it makes perfect sense!!!   
  
JOSS: Right. Sure…um, what is this shanshu of which you speak?  
  
DAVID: You know, I really don't think that's a good idea, if Spike is happy, that means that no one will watch the show. People only like the show when Spike is in pain. Plus, Angel is the only really special vampire around this show, so we have to knock Spike down a few pegs…make him an evil rapist again or something equally disgusting!   
  
JOSS: Really? Hmm. Neat. Good Plan.   
  
DAVID: So, really the best thing we can do is have him come back as something that everyone will hate. We should make him a ghost. One of those ghosts that doesn't really do anything but say one-liners and irritate Angel. You know, like Spike in season four. People loved season four!  
  
JOSS: Hmm. I guess they did love season four. Okay, David, you go for it.  
  
DREW: Um, all due respect…I don't think the fans will be happy with that.   
  
JOSS: Yeah, yeah, sure they will! They'll like it because I tell them to like it and that's the way all of my tv shows work!  
  
Opening Scene: Episode Two  
  
Spike is sitting-no he's floating- on the floor of Angel's office.  
  
SPIKE: Well, this sucks.   
  
ANGEL: Quiet, minion.   
  
SPIKE: I mean…I saved the bleeding world. And my reward is that I'm a ghost?!? That's ridiculous. If you had saved the world, you'd probably be given some kind of perfect live and have lots of children with the women I love who you barely know anymore!  
  
ANGEL: Mmm, cookies.   
  
  
  
Enter Wesley  
  
WESLEY: Where's Lilah?   
  
ANGEL: She's a ghost…or she's dead…or in hell. Something non-corporeal…it really doesn't matter what.  
  
SPIKE: Are ALL of the popular characters on this show dead or invisible?!?  
  
Enter Fred  
  
FRED: Yes.  
  
SPIKE: And, where the hell is the bratty cheerleader who was living with you all?  
  
FRED: Cordelia?  
  
ANGEL: Oh, I hate that bitch! Mmm, cookies.  
  
SPIKE: So, let me get this straight. EVERY interesting character on this show has been done away with or turned into a pointless ghost?  
  
FRED: Yes.  
  
Enter Buffy !!!!!!!  
  
BUFFY: ANGEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! I just stopped by to tell you that I'm almost ready to be in love with you 4eva!!!!!!! I swear I'll be fully cooked by February!!!   
  
SPIKE: Buffy?   
  
A Sarah McLaughlin song comes on as the angst begins…tragically Buffy can hear Spike's voice but cannot see his sexy body. Oh dear, now there is ABSOLUTLY NO CHANCE EVER OF SPIKE BEING LOVED BY ANYONE AT ANY TIME. David Fury calls up Marti Noxon to discuss the happy news. Now young women everywhere will learn and grow, knowing that when they beat their boyfriends they'll get away with it and still end up with the ONE TRU LURVE. Ah, feminism.   
  
BUFFY: Oh, Spike…this is so sad.  
  
A beat.  
  
BUFFY: Okay, Angel. I'll be back in February!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!  
  
SPIKE: Yeah. Big reward for the man who saved the world.   
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
  
Scene Two  
  
Spike and Angel are arguing over some sort of body-switch. They bicker at each other because that is Spike's purpose on the show! He's the new Cordelia…because that made so much sense the first time.  
  
SPIKE: Bloody hell. No wonder that slayer chick is so messed up!  
  
ANGEL: Hey, you're talking about the women I Lo---  
  
SPIKE: Oh, dear GOD. You haven't even seen her but once in the last two years!  
  
ANGEL: Hey, stop it! We're star-crossed luvers!!!  
  
Enter A Servant  
  
SERVANT: Hello there Mr. Angel. And who is your friend?  
  
SPIKE: Oh, I'm his date.  
  
Angel stops dead in his tracks.  
  
ANGEL: Do you mean that?  
  
Enter Buffy.  
  
BUFFY: Spike-y-poo? You aren't dating my lover, are you? Because I'd really hate it if you ever had a relationship with anyone else!!!  
  
SPIKE: Well…I don't know yet. I…I need time.  
  
BUFFY: Gasp! Spike-y I LOVE YOU!!!!  
  
ANGEL: BUFFY, SPIKE, I LOVE YOU!!!!  
  
SPIKE: Angel…  
  
Buffy angrily stomps out.   
  
Angel and Spike stare at each other for a good ten seconds…  
  
FADE TO BLACK. 


	2. Part Two

Author: Foggi (L@spookysand.com)  
  
Disclaimer: I am not Joss. Or anyone else who works on "the other show," therefore do not blame me.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
SPOILER ALERT: For anything coming up in the new season, all of this is based on spoilers, not actual episodes.those will be worse than this.  
  
BIAS ALERT: I love Spike. Those of you who don't love him will probably be made fun of in this parody. No, really, I'm going to make lots of fun of you and I don't want crap for it, bitch. Read at your own risk.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------  
  
Part Two: Cookie Wars.  
  
Spike walks through a door. Then he walks through Angel's desk.  
  
.  
  
Then he walks through Fred. Oh no. Here it comes.  
  
THE DUCKS: AHHHH!!!  
  
THE ANGEL FANS: AHHHHH!!!  
  
THE SPIKE HATERS: AHHHH!!!!  
  
THE SPIKE FANS: Here we go.  
  
THE DUCKS: Did you see it? Did you see it? Spike is going to rape Fred!!! And by doing so, he's going to prove once and for all that Buffy and Angel are going to get married!!!!  
  
THE ANGEL FANS: Hey! Look at him! That man is taking up all of our screen time! I thought the only characters who got ot lust after Fred were.well, every other guy on this show.but, still, Spike is evil and taking up too much screen time!!!  
  
THE SPIKE HATERS: Oh yeah, he's still evil.  
  
THE SPIKE FANS: silence  
  
THE DUCKS: Hey!?!? Where are the Spike fans?  
  
THE ANGEL FANS: Maybe our annoying protests about their favorite character have finally caused them to watch another show.or.do you think???  
  
THE SPIKE HATERS: No, they couldn't have. They wouldn't.  
  
THE DUCKS: Oh god. They've started a letter-writing campaign! Those Spike fans are so evil! Convincing the WB that James Marsters is the most important thing on the show.  
  
THE ANGEL FANS: Damn that Marsters. They only like him because he's sexy.and also possibly because he can act and is an all around nice guy. But that shouldn't matter this is OUR show and we should get priority over every other person on the planet!  
  
Meanwhile, at the Mutant Enemy Offices.  
  
JOSS: Hey, what are all of these postcards? (He reads) Hmm, they seem upset over the idea of Spike as a ghost. That's so strange. That's MY plan that they are angry over. Who would have thought? Well, these must be the stupid fans.they just don't understand the genius behind my work. (Joss walks over to the coffee table beside his desk, and sees a platter of cookies with a large balloon tied to the top of them that reads: "Keep Buffy away from that evil, only good for his looks, rapist. B/A Tru Luv 4Eva!!!") Ah, these are the mature fans!  
  
And back to the world of internet fandom, as things heat up.  
  
THE DUCKS: Ha! Spike is still a ghost! The Spike fans still have no power! They're going to be lead along on the same "is he eeeevil?" storyline forever! Thank god the cookies worked. Now Spike and Buffy will NEVER be together.  
  
THE SPIKE FANS: You do know that most of us hate Buffy, right?  
  
THE DUCKS: Cookies! Bangle!!! Muwhahahahahaha!!!  
  
THE SPIKE FANS: Hm. That's nice.  
  
THE SPIKE HATERS: You know, in 5.2, Spike is evil. He tries to kill Angel. And then he rapes Angel on his very large bathroom floor!!! He's so evil.  
  
THE SPIKE FANS: It's funny, because none of your points make any sense at all.  
  
THE ANGEL FANS: Get your sorry-ass unwanted vampire away from OUR show! We want nothing to do with Spike! We want him gone from our very memory! You eeeevil Spike fans are so stupid, all you care about is how James Marsters looks without his shirt on! You're little girly retards who understand NOTHING!!! Be gone!!!!!!  
  
THE SPIKE FANS: Okay, first of all, if you think we're so dumb than maybe you should go read one of the many essays posted on the net by Spike fans on redemption.or one of our discussions of the hero's journey possibly. And, yes, James Marsters is sexy with his shirt off.just because you're vampire is no reason to be angry. And finally, if you want us to take our support of the character away and have Spike off the show, that's fine, really we've been lead along long enough with crap from ME and many of us are simply tired form watching our character get screwed over time and time again (do we even need to mention the treatment of spike in season seven? Or can we just say the word "cookies" and make you understand). You have to realize that all these years, the character of Angel has been the special vampire, he is the one with the support from the higher-ups and nothing Spike does will ever be good enough to match Angel in the eyes of the networks and many of the writers. And it sucks for us. Because I bet if Angel had gone out and sought a soul himself instead of trying to destroy the world in season two, there would have been a big scene. Spike does it and gets no reward at all. He dies to save the world and to give Buffy a life and then gets made fun of and becomes a ghost. And that's the kind of treatment our fandom gets. So, when people say that we get everything we want, they obviously don't know that they're talking about. And, sure, take James Marsters away from the show. You know what that would leave you with? Nothing, because the WB wouldn't have picked the show up this year without him, and that my friends is mutant enemy canon.  
  
The Spike Fans march out together, stopping only to give James Marsters a thousand lollipops. 


End file.
